I don’t know if it’s the January blues, or some delayed post natal melancholy, but I feel a little sad today. The feeling has been triggered by the sight of a photo that my BFF published on Facebook last night. In the photo she is glamourous, slender and blonde and tanned, with her two adorable children. She’s on holiday, so there is blue sea and blue sky behind her and it’s very, very sunny. And she is smiling such a beautiful, genuinely happy smile.
Cut to me – as they say in Hollywood – sitting in baggy sweatpants that might walk off me, of their own accord, at any minute now. Dyed dark hair that makes me look even more blue than my natural Scottish skin tone. It’s more than a little peppered with grey, which coupled with the deep set wrinkles and deathly pallor of my face add about 15 years to me. Then there’s the wobbly, podgy, size 15 body, which hasn’t been cared for in months (no, make that years, if we’re being honest). And I’m scowling, a genuinely gloomy scowl.
I’m envious, though I shouldn’t be. She has had the toughest year of her life and she really deserves to have come out the other side with a huge smile on her face. And I love her deeply. She’s my BFF. But I can’t shake the envy.
Envy is a green eyed monster, a monster that’s only concern is with the destruction of its beholder.
I’ve learned though, from many years of psychotherapy and from many more years of managing issues at work, that what looks like the problem is often not the problem at all. I don’t mean to be mysterious, so, I’ll expand. The envy I feel for my BFF’s perfectly tanned, slender and happy life is, as I said earlier, a trigger. Designed by my subconscious to make me think more deeply about something that is actually causing me unhappiness.
I’ve experienced many of these “triggers” in recent years. Some quite major and others more superficial. All of which result in finding an issue around a similar theme; Me.
I’ve just had a tough few months of my own. My Beloved and I have had to work very hard together to get through them. We’ve had significant financial challenges, even greater emotional challenges and toddler challenges that require the diplomatic skills of Kofi Annan. And we’re not out of the tunnel yet. *DING* And there it is…
She’s out of the tunnel, and I desperately want to be too.
Patience is something that no one in my little family unit has much of. Especially me. (Try teaching patience to a 2 year old when you struggle with it yourself!) So, I guess I’ll have to revert to walking the walk… One little step at a time. Today, I’m going to take some time out and meditate. And outside of that, try to practice being present. Enjoy the moments, not long for the future. It won’t be easy, but, I have just re-read I Breathe In, I Breathe Out, on Yoga + Living + Life, and I’m drawing support and inspiration from this simple mantra.
Thank you for reading what has been quite a cathartic post. I feel a little less blue now. If you’re felling sad today, leave me a comment. Maybe we can help each other through it.